Idioms are hard.
I mean, everything is hard when you’re learning a second language. Make that language English, and you’re bound to have trouble. English has the worst rules, and it’s difficult to determine whether to follow or break them. Did you take a foreign language in high school? You learned cases – in my instance, I learned German. German has four cases: nominative, accusative, dative and genitive. I WAS BAFFLED. Where does this come from? Do we have this in English? Turns out yes, but it wasn’t taught this way. So when you ask an American for help with your English, it’s tricky, because most Americans don’t learn the actual structure of the language.
My family is off the boat.
On my mom’s side, I’m 2nd generation American. My sisters and I grew up with a very strong love for tradition and heritage, and are proud of that. Trips to Grandma and Grandpa’s house are always something to look forward to – but I gotta say it’s mostly because of Grandma and Grandpa. Grandpa is… difficult. And Grandma is a saint for tolerating him. Really. We don’t know how they’ve made it… shoot, 60 years this fall, I believe. Their banter is seriously gold in terms of comedic value, but the gems we hold onto forever are Grandpa’s idioms. He doesn’t have the best grasp on the English language, and we love him more because of it.
Please integrate these into your daily speech. For the love of baby Jesus, please.
Go suck a flower.
This is an insult. It means to get lost, because you’re really pissing him off.
Fallopian fish
Synonym for tilapia. Be sure to use this when ordering in a restaurant, like he has.
Pleasingly plum
Stop calling people ‘pleasantly plump.’ No one likes that. The expression you should be using is ‘pleasingly plum’ because, “they are pleasing like a plum.”
You Genius
Grandpa’s favorite hip-hop group, also known as G-Unit.
I am doing gorgeous!
The only correct reply when anyone asks how you’re doing and/or feeling. This includes doctor visits.
Lumpy Tiger
None of us actually know what this means. He says he’s a lumpy tiger, and even has the shirt to prove it. No lie, it’s a red t-shirt with the words “Lumpy Tiger” on it. Nothing else. Not a clue, people.
With your help, Grandpa’s hip, cool lingo will catch on – maybe you’ll even earn the title of Lumpy Tiger.