Guys, this shit was embarrassing, but I’ll share it, because that’s my job here.
Who doesn’t like water parks?
I convinced my then-boyfriend (now the hubs) to go to an amusement park with me – can you believe he is not a fan? Well, he wasn’t. He is now. Anywho, we had to drive pretty far to get to this one we planned for, because we wanted a park with an enormous water park. That was part of the deal – he doesn’t love amusement parks, so we needed a giant water park included. Deal. No problem. I love water slides; I can handle that compromise.
So you’ve been to these places, right?
We know this place, right?
Well, they’re cooler than they used to be, thanks to everyone’s new favorite ride – a surfing simulator. One of the big brands is called Flowrider – ya know what I’m talking about? I’d love to show ya, but I can’t find a FREAKING IMAGE FREE TO USE, so you’re stuck with my descriptors. P.S. – don’t just take any image off Google for commercial use, cuz that’s not legal.
Time to paint the picture.
I used to like my body a lot more before I made a small human, so I was wearing a bikini, and all of our clothes were jammed into lockers. We waited patiently in line for the surfing thingie, laughing at everyone who failed miserably and wiped out. We even wagered on our own potential success! I figured I had a decent chance of smashing the hubs, because I have great balance (despite being SO clumsy) and I can navigate a snowboard down an intermediate hill. Hubs went first. Didn’t wipe out, but he pretty much got pushed to the side right away and his turn was over quickly. I was next… and it was so bad.
I was SO GOOD at getting onto the wave and staying there! Didn’t wipe out right away! Most people got pushed out by the jets and never had the opportunity to attempt anything. I looked up to neener-neener in dude’s face because I clearly won the bet… and it all went downhill from there.
I got BLASTED out of the stupid wave simulator, blown out of there, like a category four hurricane whipping around a poor little dolly left outside in the storm. Alright, so my turn ended a bit dramatically. But you know what happens in a hurricane? It’s way more violent than debris getting tossed around. I had to find my board to turn into the lifeguards operating the ride. I stood up to begin my search… friggin’ naked.
FUCK MY LIFE, GUYS.
I have no idea where my swim suit went. This stupid ride is surrounded by hedges and that dang heap of metal that forms the layout for the line. I have to STRADDLE MY NAKED LEGS over the metal bars like Hulk Hogan squeezing between the ropes to hop in the ring so I can go hunting for my God-forsaken bottoms and give everyone a good show of my sausage wallet. There is NO GOOD WAY to keep yourself covered up while you have to climb. So you just don’t. I dig my bikini bottoms out of some shrubs and manage to get those on, but still need to find my top. Meanwhile, my park guest is holding his face in shame, NOT EVEN HELPING HIS STRIPPED GIRLFRIEND END HER MISERY because he’s too embarrassed. HE’S EMBARRASSED?! Guy, my bearded clam is out on parade in front of young children and YOU’RE THE MISERABLE ONE HERE?! Shit.
You guys, keep in mind, this is a friggin’ spectator ride. People love watching this one because the wipeouts are so colossal. There are a minimum of 80 people looking directly at my naked ass.
Okay, now I need to find my top. Shit. Where is it? Behind the shrubs, oh, good, because Jesus knows these eight-year-old children in line need to see me climb over more things while my Bahama Mamas dangle on display. Hop over the line barricade again, and I duck behind the shrubs to grab my top and put it on. Jehovah God almighty, please let me just die back here. OH, NO, HERE COMES YOUR STUPID BOYFRIEND, HE’S READY FOR MORE RIDES. Asshole.
I got some funny looks for the rest of the day.
Having a handful of big tattoos, I have some pretty distinguishing marks that made my bare body easy to identify. Ugh. I made our stay in the waterpark end as quickly as I possibly could, and we went back to the main park with rides that REQUIRE CLOTHES.
Helpful hint.
Wear a one-piece swim suit, or better yet, a 3-piece men’s suit complete with bow tie when riding at a water park. I mean, even shorts wouldn’t have saved me. Just… learn through me. Save yourself.