Y’all, I’ve worked a quite the variety of jobs over the last 15 years, and something really grinds my gears. When I indicate that two of my three current jobs are working from home, I hear all the time, “Oh, but then that’s like a day off.”
YO. YOU STUPID.
Lemme walk you through a standard day.
Get the fuck up RIGHT NOW.
Because I’m the one with the flexible schedule, I’m the one getting up 83289 times a night with the new puppy whose bladder is slightly larger than a grape but definitely smaller than a cherry tomato. Kid wakes up? Yeah, I get up with him, too. So don’t even PRETEND that I get infinite hours of sleep and you’re like a celebrity hospitalized for exhaustion and need some Ambien. I’ll classify six hours of intermittent rest as a “very good” night. Don’t count on having more than two consecutive hours of sleep. It won’t happen.
I’ll wake up at least 6 times tonight for trips that require wearing pants.
Everyone needs to pee right away.
I have a toddler and two dogs – one of them a puppy, as I’ve indicated. When they all decide it’s time to pee, I hold my bladder and handle everyone else first. Alright, they’ve all peed, fresh diaper, get breakfast going for everyone. NOT THAT SIPPY! FUCK, MA, YOU KNOW I ONLY WANT THE ORANGE AND BLUE SIPPY. Sure, I’m a dick, okay, switch sippies, dogs have peed, now I can pee. Come out of the bathroom, great, someone shit. Alright, send the dogs out, pick up the turd, clean the carpet, scrub my hands, let the dogs in. Dogs are situated, Goobie is almost done with breakfast, so I have 18 seconds to wolf down a meal before he starts screaming to get out of his chair. Swallow an entire bowl of cereal in one gulp out of necessity, and it’s time to get out of the chair. Word.
Don’t EVEN think about making him wear pants.
Do y’all have kids? If you don’t, you know understand the inane things that trigger a toddler. I swear on my child, today he was LIVID when I told him he wasn’t allowed to play with ashes. Yup, don’t eat those and please don’t put them in your shoes buddy, that’s GROSS. So he hated me. Just block out at least one solid hour a day dedicated to arguing with a tiny dictator.
You see a lot of this at our house.
Any attempt to work will be thwarted swiftly.
Alright, he has socks on so we’ll count that as dressed. Everyone has eaten, dogs are sleeping, bribing the toddler with television, time to crack open the laptop. ….What’s that smell? Don’t even fucking question it, I know that smell. Alright, screw work, let’s go change your diaper. COOL, NO WIPES. WHY AREN’T THERE ANY WIPES?! Real life scenario today: kid pooped so much corn and assortment of nuts, plus the s’mores we had for dessert… and zero wipes. Thankfully, I have a clean ass because I use butt wipes myself. I snagged a few wipes from the bathroom hoping that two will be enough for this nuclear fallout, and make a mental note to fart in my husband’s face while he’s sleeping for using up the wipes and not telling me. Clean ass, dressed, back to business. Oh good, dog pee. Housebreaking is the worst, y’all. Send the dogs out, clean the pee, let the dogs in. Still haven’t gotten any work done… continue this cycle for at least 3 hours.
Did I mention my dog is stupid?
My dog is awful and runs away daily ever since we lost our first dog to kidney failure. Chalk up another hour dedicated to chasing him down and never leaving him unattended.
These are actually my dogs, Panzer and Udo.
Boys are messy.
Everyone in his house has a dong except my and the bird, and she’s not helpful. So I need to spend a minimum of two hours a day cleaning up pee, smelly clothes, dirty dishes that never got put in the sink, anything you can possibly track in on your shoes, toys that don’t get put away, scrubbing floors, toilets and windows, I mean, people, no lie, I vacuum twice a day and my house looks like A HOT MESS. Still no work done.
Hubby’s home, so I can finally work.
JK. NO! Now it’s time for family time and dinner! I was honestly trying to get work done all day today, and I didn’t get to sit in my office until 10pm. Really! “Oh, but you can work while your kid sleeps.” NOPE. He sleeps like he’s 35. He wants 7-8 hours at night and his naps are never longer than an hour. That time is for NECESSITIES like making sure the dishes and clothes are clean. Sucks, right?
At least it’s not this bad, right?
Please hire me a housekeeper.
Please. Jesus knows I need one. So while I work from my office nearing midnight after attempting to work for over 12 hours today, I have slightly more than nothing accomplished, a lot of poop cleaned up, a sink full of dirty dishes, and not enough wine to cope with my day. Ugh, I think I can probably round up a beer.